Today I went to my bank to draw MY money from MY account. Even doing this without the assistance of a surly bank teller costs me money in transaction fees. I do the work, on the bank's equipment on my own account and I have to pay for the privilege. Anyhow even after having accepted this type of abuse over many years and grown used to it, I was in for a further series of shocks.

Shock number one was that my paltry withdrawal was dispensed in the highest denominations possible - so high in fact that should I attempt to use my own money on a bus or for a taxi the drivers just would not have change! Ah, I thought, I have a solution! I'll go into the bank and get small change from a human, even though the human interface is probably surly and rude.

Well I was right on all three points - yes, she (they don't seem to have men tellers anymore) could give me change; she was surly too, and yes rude as well! But there was a catch. This was shock number two. If I wanted small change it would cost me two and a half percent of the amount changed. All this, despite that fact that it was MY OWN money (no overdraft) and the bank's ATM in its insolent imperious manner has spat out the biggest notes possible.

My protestations were to no avail. So I took my banknotes, and with my loyal wife's assistance, in the supermarket round the corner, through a series of individual small purchases got my change plus a whole pocketful of candy bars, which at least gives us something to show for our efforts.

In my next life I want to be a bank where I can rob my customer's blind, and in the more than likely event that I will mess-up (which bank hasn't) know that the taxpayer will bail me out because I am "too big to fail".