Will that be Super Regular Premium Plan Super or...

I recently looked at some superannuation sites.

I am going to mention my thoughts on a few. I'll start with Tower.

Will that be a Super Regular Premium Plan, or will you have the Regular Premium Plan or the Single Premium Plan, superannuation plan and would you like Tower Performance Moderate to High, or Tower Capital Guaranteed Low to Moderate Risk with that Sir?

Can I go for a good performing plan with moderate to high growth?

That would be the Performance plan Sir.

What did that return last year?

Er minus 12.6%growth Sir.

Do you have any guaranteed fund?

That would be the Super Regular Premium Capital Guaranteed Plan Sir.

How much did it make last year?

Sir, the Capital Guaranteed experienced -4.5% growth in the past year.

So you mean I would have lost 4.5% if I invested with you last year, don't you have Super Capital Guaranteed or anything which doesn't make a loss?

No Sir.

What about normal standard super where you get an income, or at least have your savings for retirement?

We don't have that Sir.

Did any of your funds return any income to the investors last year?

Yes Sir the Cash Fund returned +3.2%.

You get the idea. Only it wasn't as simple as that. On the website I had to trawl through endless product choices which weren't even available anymore, despite historically good performance, last year killed 'em off. This just made the existing products look dodgier. Here's a few clues.

1. Don't call it Capital Protected if your capital isn't protected.

2. Don't make the obsolete products available on the website except to your existing customers with those products. If your site isn't smart enough to do that then start again.

3. Super, Regular and Premium don't ever belong in the same sentence, even at a burger place. It really makes you sound like bull artists.

In fact it isn't worth wasting my time going any further, for heaven's sake call someone like FIOS and get some usability into that site, and someone who wasn't trained at Macca's to write your copy and brand your products.

You get an F. and you don't get a recommendation for a customer.

 At those rates ING term deposits would be better.

Where's Richard Branson when you need him, he does simple and easy to understand doesn't he, and I never heard him call any single thing a 'super regular premium'? Who the hell has ever called anything that apart from Tower?

I actually had to go back and check that it wasn't a phishing or joke site. It's certainly not a joke...or is it?